how to be a heartbreaker
by Callista Miralni
Summary: A social experiment gone wrong, four men, two devious best friends, and the pretty little stutterbug. "Sakura, you should put on a more transparent dress." AU SasuSaku For SasuSaku Month 2014
1. hooked

how to be a heartbreaker

Callista Miralni

disclaimer: I don't own _Naruto_ or _How to be a Heartbreaker_ by Marina and the Diamonds. _pretty little stutterbug_ comes from the amazing **a warrior queen/otokages.**

I really love the _Free! _cosplay parody of _How to be a Heartbreaker_. Unbidden, this plot bunny comes to life. I've always wanted to try my hand at writing one of these clichés. Also, because I only submitted one entry last year for SSM (and that was for sasusaku-headcanons, not even for the main event), I'm determined to make it up this year with a multichaptered fic that incorporates all the prompts.

This will be a slow start, but bear with me! This first chapter will be rather long but the following chapters will be shorter to accommodate for the daily updates.

Summary: A social experiment gone wrong, four men, two devious best friends, and the pretty little stutterbug. "Sakura, you should put on a more transparent dress." AU SasuSaku For SasuSaku Month 2014

* * *

one: hooked

Haruno Sakura stirred her martini with the toothpick-skewered olive, struggling to maintain some semblance of interest in the conversation.

"As I was telling Dr. Senju, the neural transmitters are the key in tetanus. Without a signal, the-"

Sakura took a larger sip of her martini than necessary. She didn't sit through medical school, board exams, and most of her residency for nothing.

The doctor whose name she already forgot looked at her expectantly. "Oh, you're absolutely right," Sakura said. "It's no wonder you're the go-to consult, Dr-"

"Call me Hirohito."

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat at the spark of hope and interest in his eyes. "Hirohito, then," she amended.

Well. At least now she knew his name.

"Another drink, Sakura-san?" He waved the waiter towards them.

She knew she should refuse but if Sakura had one weakness, it was free alcohol.

"Oh really, I shouldn't."

"I insist," Hirohito smiled.

Maybe Hinata was right. Maybe she should be more restrained when it came to her vices.

* * *

The sound of the front door slamming shut forced Yamanaka Ino to abandon her notes and see who arrived. Of the four occupants of their cozy townhome, Ino was the only one in the house.

"Tadaima."

Ah. Sakura then.

"Forehead?" Ino called with a bit of incredulity from the top of the staircase. "You're home..."

She caught sight of the clock next to the front door and winced.

"... early," Ino finished weakly.

Sakura snorted. "Stupid piss-pot can't hold his liquor. He challenged me to a sake drinking contest and instead of being a gentlemen about it and letting me win, his competitive streak emerged and he drank himself stupid."

Ino grimaced at the abuse spilling from her usually-restrained best friend's mouth. Sakura was forever going on about _turning the other cheek_ and _watching her mouth_.

"How much have you had to drink?" Ino asked, cautious.

"Two martinis, a bottle of sake, and a shot of Patron."

* * *

The smell of fresh paint assaulted her nose as she approached the apartment door. Sakura knew she was dreaming but the memory felt all too real.

She didn't want to open the door. The low groans and feminine screams of ecstasy echoing through the wood told more than what she needed to know, but Sakura knew she wouldn't believe it unless she saw it.

Mustering her courage, she inserted her key into the door and pushed it open. Just as she thought, her fiancé was tangled around another girl—his co-worker from the coffee shop he worked at—and thrusting into her from behind.

Sakura didn't think—she just acted. Pulling her arm back, she threw the metal house key with all her might, hitting him in the middle of his oversized forehead and ripping the skin open. He froze and slid out from the girl, the pair staring at her with wide eyes.

"Hey playboy."

She was glad her voice remained steady.

"Is this how to be a heartbreaker?"

* * *

Mitarashi Tenten cooked eggs in silence. She already made their bentos for the day-they were sitting out to cool in color-coordinated containers of purple, blue, green, and red.

"Good morning," a sleepy voice entered the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets for tea.

Tenten paused in her cooking to give her roommate a look of sympathy. "It's already in the tea pot, sweetheart."

Hyuuga Hinata gave her a grateful smile and poured a cup of tea out. She sat down at the table and massaged her cheeks, hoping the blood flow would help her wake up.

These long shifts would be the death of her. Hinata worked as a cardiac nurse at Konoha General Hospital. Ino and Sakura also worked there; the former as a physician's assistant and the latter as a clinical pathology resident.

Unlike her roommates, Tenten worked at the Uchiha Police Corps as a junior criminal investigator. The Chief of Police, Uchiha Fugaku, handpicked her from a batch of would-be hopefuls from the Academy's graduating class.

"Looks good, Tennie." Ino swept into the kitchen, in the middle of tying her long blond hair into a loose bun.

She acknowledged the compliment with a beaming smile. "Tea's in the pot. How did Sakura's date go?"

Ino froze in the middle of pouring tea. "We have got to do something about that girl," she said with a touch of exasperation.

Tenten and Hinata both winced. "That bad, huh?" Tenten said with a sigh. "What happened this time?"

"The usual-he drank himself stupid."

Hinata's eyes narrowed.

"He offered her another drink."

"How else does one drink himself stupid with Sakura?"

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was having a pretty good day.

For once, his best friend was not drooling on his couch. Uzumaki Naruto decided to stay at home the night before, leaving Sasuke to spend the evening in relative peace. His own roommate, Yamato Sai, was out on another of his odd jobs as a freelance artist.

And because said drooling best friend was not on his couch, Sasuke was able to get in a good workout and eat breakfast before clocking into the office at 7:30 on the dot.

"Sasuke, you're here early."

His supervisor, Hatake Kakashi, peered at him over his novel. "Ah, no Naruto with you. Explains a lot."

On the mornings Naruto slept over, the two would slide in at eight with seconds to spare. It was a trying task to wake him up and force him to get ready for work. Sasuke hated the routine.

"What do you want, Kakashi?"

He surrendered the folder tucked under his arm. Sasuke read through the brief before closing it. A body found under the overpass early in the morning. Typical case.

"I'll get Naruto."

* * *

On second thought, Uchiha Sasuke's day was anything but good.

He could feel his warm blood trickling from beneath the tightly wrapped handkerchief on his left arm. Glaring at the blond seated across from him, Sasuke hissed, "This is all your fault, damn dobe."

The giggling nurse seemed reluctant to leave the two alone in the examination room but she had no choice when her floor supervisor practically dragged her out the door. This was one of the many reasons why Sasuke hated hospitals. As much as he loved flirting with women, he only tolerated the opposite sex when he felt like amusing himself, not when he was in need of medical attention. He cursed Naruto again for his reckless behavior.

The door opened and the clinician entered. The blond woman was no older than the both of them but Sasuke had to give her credit for her professional demeanor. She raised an eyebrow at the bloody handkerchief.

"No one's taken care of that yet?"

His scowl deepened and the clinician muttered, "These damned, simpering morons... a patient who happens to be attractive walks in and all they want to know is how long his dick is. We really need to raise our hiring standards."

Naruto laughed. "You're the first doctor who hasn't tried to feel him up yet."

She gestured for Sasuke to sit on the bed and hold out his arm. Pulling out the necessary supplies from the various drawers and cabinets, she arranged them on the counter and donned a pair of gloves.

"I'm a PA, not a doctor. Hold still while I take a look at this. My name is Yamanaka, by the way."

Sasuke winced as Yamanaka applied pressure to his gash while unwinding the handkerchief with her free hand. She inspected it for a moment before frowning.

"What did you cut yourself on?"

"Rusty metal panel of an old warehouse on the docks," Sasuke replied.

"Up to date on your shots?"

At this, Sasuke paused. Was he?

Yamanaka took a look at him and sighed. "I'm going to take a sample of your wound to check for infection, okay? You'll know the results in two days."

"Why so long?" Naruto blurted out.

She took out a culture swab and gently dabbed at his arm. "We have to grow it before we can run tests on it."

Yamanaka sealed the swab in a culture tube and placed it on the counter. She began cleaning his wound and bandaging him up.

"Give us a call if some thing happens. And you," she turned to Naruto. "Make sure you check on him often. With tetanus, he will undergo rigid paralysis and may not be able to eat or breathe."

Naruto's eyes widened. "Of course!"

"Good," Yamanaka nodded curtly. She signed a couple papers before handing them to Sasuke. "Take this to the front desk. I'm discharging you."

* * *

"Sakura-chan~" Ino waltzed into the department. "I've got some thing for you to play with."

Her best friend pushed herself away from her desk. "Ino, I'm not going to do another paternity test for you just because you want to know the juiciest gossip before the tabloids do."

Ino looked away, guilty. "That was one time. This is actual work."

She slid the culture tube towards her. "Possibly a _C. tetanii_ infection. Sampled from a wound caused by a rusted metal siding."

Sakura groaned. "Fantastic. Now I get to have Dr. Piss-Pot breathing down my neck. That man's obsession with tetanus is unhealthy."

The name stirred something in Ino's memory. "Do you mean Sandayuu Hirohito?"

She giggled at Sakura's displeased expression. "Look, pull your strings and make sure you're the consult in two days when the patient comes back for his test results. I guarantee you won't regret it."

"Ino, I'm the _resident_. Won't he want the _actual_ doctor for consult?"

"Trust me," Ino winked. "You won't want to miss out on this."

* * *

Two days later, Uchiha Sasuke was in the hospital again.

He drummed his fingers on his thigh and looked at the clock. 10:15. The doctor was supposed to be in thirty minutes ago.

"Maa, maa," Kakashi stretched his arms out. "They sure are taking their time."

Sasuke scowled. "Why are you even here? The dobe is witness enough."

Departmental policy mandated that any staff member injured on the job must be accompanied by another member. Five years ago, some pigheaded Uchihas thought they could hide their injuries and forged hospital visit receipts. This was to ensure everyone received medical attention.

"I'm paying the bill," his supervisor answered cheerfully. "Courtesy of your father."

A commotion in the outside hallway caught their attention.

"To hell with you and your so-called expertise!" An angry, decidedly _female_, voice filtered through the door. "This is my patient, my case, my work, _so hands off, Sandayuu_!"

The door slammed open and a petite figure stood on the threshold. "Out, or Tsunade-sama will hear about this," she snarled. "How am I supposed to train and do my job if you continuously steal cases from me?"

The man muttered something under his breath before storming away. She ran her fingers through her short locks before smoothing her lab coat down.

"I'm sorry you had to witness that," the doctor said as she flipped through Sasuke's chart. "Uchiha-san, how are you feeling today?"

"Fine," Sasuke replied shortly. He wasn't feeling so generous with this woman who wasted half his morning though her brisk mannerisms made him feel a little grateful that it was her and not the doctor she quarreled with treating him. Sasuke got the feeling he would have been treated like a specimen under a microscope had Sandayuu-sensei taken a look at him.

She gestured for him to take a seat on the examination bed. "My name is Haruno, a clinical pathology resident under Senjuu-sensei. I looked at the culture we took from your arm and it tested negative for _C. tetanii._ However, I am concerned by what did culture and therefore, I'm prescribing you antibiotics."

She undid the bandage and took a closer look at it. "Any pain, especially at night?"

Sasuke paused. "No."

He yelped when she prodded the open skin with a gloved finger. "Right," she said with a wicked smile. "No pain at all."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at her before letting out a soft sigh. The women he encountered at this hospital were an unusual lot, though he couldn't complain about their professionalism.

"We need more women like her in our department," Kakashi chuckled. "Tenten is simply not enough to counter your prickliness."

The doctor looked at him in surprise. "Mitarashi Tenten?"

"The one and only. You know her?"

She finished bandaging Sasuke's arm. "She's my roommate," Haruno-sensei said as she pulled off her gloves. "Here's your prescription, Uchiha-san. Make sure you take the pills twice a day, every day, no exceptions."

Sasuke accepted the slip. "Thanks," he muttered. "I appreciate it."

The doctor fought a grin. "Again, I apologize for earlier this morning. Please come and see me if you have any questions."

The door closed softly behind her and she was gone.

* * *

Tenten took another look at the envelope before groaning. Was it already that time of year? The Corps annual winter gala was more of a fundraiser than anything. Tenten had free tickets for her and her escort but she despised the whole "getting ready" part that came along with these events.

"I'll go with you."

She jumped out of her chair. "Kami-sama, Hina, don't sneak up on me like that!"

Hinata laughed before sliding into the chair next to her. "Saturday, huh?"

Tenten handed her the invitation. Hinata propped her chin on one hand. "Black tie... you should ask if Ino and Sakura want to go. You know they'd love to support you and your work."

The woman sighed before taking the invitation back and putting it away. "That's not it," Tenten groaned. "I already have a date. Hyuuga Neji handed me this envelope and asked me to go with him."

Startled, Hinata glanced at her friend. Mitarashi Tenten on a date? With her prim cousin?

"I'm surprised you said yes," Hinata replied, getting up to prepare something for dinner. "You usually say no."

"Personal business and work do _not_ mix," Tenten said, miserable. "Hyuuga didn't exactly give me the chance to say no."

It was easy to hide the satisfied grin with her back turned. So, Neji-nii took her advice after all. Her cousin had been flirting with Tenten since their Academy days.

"Don't worry," Hinata tried to reassure her. "The three of us will go and keep you company. It won't be so bad. Maybe you'll enjoy yourself."

She scoffed. "With holier-than-thou Hyuuga? I doubt it. I still have problems believing you two were raised by the same person."

* * *

"You saw him."

Sakura looked sideways at the blonde. "I see many people, Ino. You're going to have to be more specific."

"The possible tetanus guy I gave you," Ino clarified with excitement. "And I heard you gave Sandayuu quite the tongue-lashing."

Sakura winced. Although her mentor was displeased that once again, Sandayuu Hirohito tried to take yet another of her cases, she had been scolded for raising a fuss and for her less than professional behavior.

"What about him?"

"Isn't he gorgeous?" Ino said dreamily. "I'm impressed you didn't jump him. He's just your type, you know."

The hot blush burned her cheeks and Sakura stepped aside to let someone pass. "I didn't jump him because I am a clinician and he is my patient," Sakura stressed as the subway started up again.

"Sure, sure," Ino said cheekily. "So anything interesting happen with him?"

The memory of his pained scowl came to mind.

"Yeah," Sakura shook her head in amusement. "He tried to play tough and tell me that his arm wasn't in pain at all but one little touch sent him screaming."

"Men," her best friend sighed.

* * *

"You asked Mitarashi to be your date."

Hyuuga Neji kicked his legs. "Off my coffee table."

"Yes, _Kaa-chan_," Sasuke mocked as he moved his feet off the table. "I still can't believe you had the balls to do that."

"Guys, I can't figure out how to tie this thing," Naruto came in with his tie in hand.

Neji choked on his saliva and Sasuke sighed.

"Dobe, you look like a rotten pumpkin."

Naruto sported a black suit with an orange tie. In all honesty, it wasn't as bad as Sasuke made it sound, but he couldn't believe his best friend could find a way to incorporate his favorite color into a tuxedo.

Sasuke did the tie in an efficient knot. Rapping Naruto on the forehead with his knuckles, he chastised him for the color yet again.

"Yeah, yeah, _Kaa-chan," _Naruto said with a mocking grin. "I'm going to do you a favor tonight, Bastard."

"I don't need your favors, dobe," Sasuke said with a frown. "You've done plenty already."

Naruto's leering grin made him feel uneasy.

"I'm going to get you _laid."_

* * *

Among many things, Sasuke was not one to stare, but even he could not help the slight drop of his jaw whenever he and Naruto entered the room and he came face-to-face with two familiar faces.

Yamanaka-san kept opening and closing her mouth, cornflower blue eyes wide and unblinking. Her companion, Haruno-sensei, took one glance at him before downing the rest of her champagne and striking up a conversation with the third woman in their party.

"You're the _C. tetanii_ guy!" Yamanaka finally exclaimed. "I didn't realize you were in the Corps with Tenten."

"Mitarashi? How do you know her?" Naruto finally stopped staring.

"Roommates," Yamanaka replied. "And Hina-chan is her date's cousin."

Sasuke could tell. The woman shared the same dark hair, the same light colored eyes, and the same fair complexion as their prissy coworker. He wondered if she was as snobbish as Neji.

"Hyuuga Hinata," she introduced herself. "Pleased to meet you."

She wasn't. As it were, Hinata seemed to be the antithesis of Neji.

"Uchiha Sasuke. This is my friend, Uzumaki Naruto. We work with Neji," Sasuke replied.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his father stand up to make opening remarks. "Yamanaka-san, Haruno-sensei, pleasure to see you again. Enjoy the rest of your evening," Sasuke said with an automatic—and fake—smile before dragging Naruto with him to their table.

"I understand now," Naruto said with a grim expression.

Sasuke glanced at him incredulously.

"Understand what?"

"Why Neji looks like a girl," his best friend nodded. "The effeminate features run strong in his family."

Sasuke snorted.

* * *

"Okay, here's the deal, Saki," Ino said, matter-of-fact, as the salad was served.

The woman paused. "What?"

"You are going to meet men tonight."

Sakura's green eyes narrowed. "No, Ino," she hissed. "I am not here to pick up a boy!"

"But you won't be picking up boys," Ino exclaimed. "You'll be picking up _men_."

"Just talk to people, Sakura-chan," Hinata intervened before Sakura could cause a scene. "We're getting a little worried about you."

The sincerity on Hinata's face forced Sakura to swallow her acerbic reply.

"Fine."

* * *

"This is my friend Sasuke!" Naruto gestured grandly to him.

He inclined his head slightly. "Charmed," he drawled.

The woman turned pink and stuttered out a return greeting before turning heel and running away.

Sasuke smirked and Naruto smacked his forehead.

"Teme!" He wailed. "You're supposed to hook up with women, not make them run away!"

The woman was chattering with her two friends across the room, looking at him from head to toe. One of her friends said something to her before forcefully pushing her back towards him. She squared her shoulders before slinking her way to through the crowd back to him.

"Wait," Sasuke said. "She'll come back any minute now."

She pushed past the final group between them.

"Sorry," she gave him a demure smile. "My friend wanted me for something. I'm Kara."

Now that he had a good look at her, Kara wasn't interesting. She'd make a move, he'd pretend to reciprocate, they'd have sex, and he'd leave first thing in the morning. She'd cry and cling onto him, he'd brush her off, and they'd never see each other again.

How exhausting. Better to avoid the whole spectacle altogether.

"Hn."

* * *

"Give me that."

Sakura's protests went ignored as Tenten seized her margarita and drank the rest of her glass in one gulp. Scowling, she ordered another drink.

"You shouldn't steal people's drinks. It's not very nice."

"Oh shut up, Saki," Tenten said, agitated. "You'd do it too if you were stuck in the insufferable Hyuuga Neji's company for the evening."

She placed an order for a tequila sunrise. Sakura raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything until the bartender handed Tenten her drink.

"I've met six different, highly _uninteresting_ men in the last hour and I'm about ready to hang myself off the building," Sakura offered. "Believe me, I _need_ the tequila."

Tenten nodded in agreement before a familiar voice reached their ears. The two turned at the same time to watch Ino flirt with one of the junior detectives, Nara Shikamaru.

Sakura licked the salt off her rim. "She makes it look so effortless."

"What?"

"Breaking people's hearts," Sakura clarified. "I wonder what it's like to be so highly desired."

Tenten blinked at her for a moment before laughing. "Oh, that's a good one." She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. "Why on earth would you want to learn to be a heartbreaker?"

She took a bigger sip of her margarita than necessary. Even after three years, the thought of her cheating fiancé made her blood boil.

"I'm going to make him _pay.__"_

* * *

Pick one by midnight and go home with her, Naruto begged. Sasuke snorted over his rum on ice. Why on earth was Naruto so invested in his sex life?

"Because you have a stick lodged so deep up your ass, it's making you unbearable!" Naruto explained. "You haven't gone out with a girl in _ages_!"

So what if it had been three years? After his last girlfriend confessed to regularly sleeping with one of her coworkers, Sasuke didn't feel like exerting the energy it took to first catch a woman's attention and then to keep her around. When he and his friends would go out, he flirted with women just to prove he could still get a girl with considerably less effort than the rest of the people he hung around with.

It was five minutes to midnight and Sasuke ordered another rum straight.

"Ne, Bartender-san," a light voice slurred. "Give me another white sangria pretty please."

Two seats away, Haruno-sensei greedily took a gulp of her drink. Judging by the bartender's amazed expression, the woman had been at the open bar for a while.

"Hey," he called to her. "Should you be drinking so much?"

The woman licked her lips before facing him. "This sangria has the answers I'm looking for," she told him with a serious nod. "The sweet fruity notes, the bubbly ginger ale, the dash of sugar, the crisp flavor of the riesling, the sucker punch after effect of the alcohol… it's the perfect combination. How does one achieve such a thing?"

Sasuke blinked.

"You just said how to make a sangria."

She gave him a pitying smile. "No, silly. How does a _person_ achieve the same effect?"

"What—how to be like a sangria?"

"_No,_" Haruno-sensei repeated patiently. "How to be a heartbreaker. Sweet at first, but then hurts like a bitch when the alcohol purges from your liver."

Sasuke stared at her. She's crazy—comparing mixed drinks to heartbreakers.

But then again, she had a point—he admitted as he took another sip. Flirts were like mixed drinks. At first, you can't get enough of their sweet flavor but at two am, when the toilet bowl is your best friend, you wish you never took a sip of that first drink.

"Do _you_ know how to be a heartbreaker?"

The question startled him. _Heartbreaker_ was not the word Sasuke would have used—flirt, tease, player, asshole, douchebag were better, less sentimental options.

"Why do you care?" He asked instead.

Her dark olivine eyes were serious.

"Teach me."


	2. four men

how to be a heartbreaker

Callista Miralni

disclaimer: nothing. _pretty little stutterbug _comes from **a warrior queen/sasukesass**.

* * *

two: the four men

"You did _what?_"

Sakura desperately wished Ino would stop yelling.

"You wanted me to _talk_ to people," the woman drawled. "So I did exactly that."

Ino waved her arms. "I wanted you to _get to know_ someone so you could date him, marry him, and have tons of pink-haired babies with him. Not get lessons on how to be a complete _slag_ from a perfect stranger!"

"And from the Uchiha tease," Tenten quipped. "Does Sasuke even know how to flirt with a girl?"

Sakura crossed her arms. "I'll have you know Uchiha-kun is the best candidate for this endeavor. Besides, it's not even a serious thing. Think of it like a social experiment where everyone gets what they want. You guys see me talking to men, Uchiha-kun gets his best friend to butt out of his sex life, and I learn how to be a heartbreaker. See? All parties win."

HInata gasped.

"His _sex_ life?"

"HARUNO SAKURA!"

* * *

"_Teach you… how to play with people?" Sasuke repeated. "Why the hell would you want to learn something like that?"_

_Sakura switched to sake. "Have you ever been cheated on?"_

_She looked at him closely. "Ehhh… probably not. You're too pretty to be cheated on. Now, plain, ordinary people like me, we're likely to be cheated on. If you give in too easily, then there is no reason for some guy to stay with you. Gotta give them a reason to keep your attention, ya feel me?"_

"_Hence, the reason why you want to learn how to play hard-to-get," Sasuke said dryly. "I'm pretty sure you don't need my help with something like that, considering you've been ignoring the six men at the other end of the bar for the past two hours."_

"_What men?"_

"_Exactly."_

* * *

"Teach her how to seduce and flirt, huh?" Sasuke muttered as he made tea. "Why did she ask me of all people?"

"Maybe she knows your reputation as the worst tease in the history of the Uchiha clan," his roommate offered over his sketchbook.

At the glare directed his way, Sai shrugged. "I'm just saying… it's not a secret that you've been known to charm your way into everything."

Sasuke sighed.

"Why'd you even agree to do something as stupid as teaching a woman how to flirt?"

Unbidden, her final plea came back to him.

_I want to give him a taste of what he could have had!_

He smirked.

"I find revenge amusing."

* * *

Sakura sipped on her tea latte delicately before glancing at her watch one more time. She and Sasuke agreed to meet up at Kurenai's, a local coffee shop located in between both of their workplaces.

It was half past six and Sasuke was late.

Three tables behind her, Ino, Tenten, and Hinata hid behind their cappuccinos under floppy hats and sunglasses. The disguise was ridiculous, but it was the only way Sakura could convince her overbearing friends to leave her alone with Sasuke long enough to sort out the details of her little experiment.

"Hey."

She frowned as he dropped into the chair across from her. A waiter came by and Sasuke placed an order for matcha green tea.

"You struck me as the black coffee type," Sakura commented, leaning back in her chair.

"Can't stand the taste," Sasuke shrugged. "Are you sure you want to do this, Haruno?"

This was it. This was her last chance to back out of this arrangement like Ino wanted.

"I'm sure," she answered with a smile. "Please call me Sakura."

The waiter dropped off his tea and Sasuke nodded his thanks.

"Sasuke then," he said. "Now here's how this is going to work."

Sakura leaned forward in anticipation.

He sighed looking at her eager face.

"When I call you, you answer. If I tell you we're going out, cancel all your plans. No matter how you personally feel about the situation, you do _exactly_ what I say. Understand?"

Sakura nodded enthusiastically.

Sasuke brought his cup to his lips and savored the taste of the matcha.

"There are five types of men—well, four really—that every woman dates," Sasuke listed.

"Wait," Sakura rummaged through her purse. "I have to write this down."

She produced an iPad mini and a stylus. Sasuke drummed his fingers on the table until she looked up at him, stylus poised to scribble.

"Do bring that thing with you everywhere?"

"Of course I do!" Sakura looked offended. "How else am I supposed to remember things and entertain myself?"

"Leave it at home when we go out," Sasuke said firmly. "You won't need it and it'll only be a hindrance."

"But… but… my baby!"

He took another sip of tea to calm his temper. "You agreed to follow every thing I say. Breaking the rules already, I see."

She pouted. "Fine. But just this once."

"Fine," he relented. "Can I continue?"

"_Do-zo,"_ she mocked him with a grand gesture.

He rolled his eyes. "The first—the intellectual," Sasuke held up a finger. "The second—the winner. Third is the bad boy, and fourth is the nice guy. You're going to learn how to flirt with every single one of them and how to walk away."

Sakura regarded him curiously. "What's the fifth?"

He paused midway from taking another sip. "What?"

"What's the fifth stereotype?" She repeated. "You said there were five."

Her green eyes betrayed her innocence and for a brief moment, Sasuke contemplated getting up and calling the entire thing off. How many women existed in the world who weren't trying to manipulate every one's heart? Who was he to ruin this last bit of innocence for the world?

"The fifth," Sasuske said so quietly that Sakura had to lean forward to hear him. "—is the One. He could be any of the four but he's the one you stay with forever."

Sakura wondered for a moment why Sasuke looked so sad.


	3. rule number one

how to be a heartbreaker

Callista Miralni

disclaimer: nothing. _pretty little stutterbug _comes from **a warrior queen/sasukesass**

* * *

three: rule number one

"Hey, bastard!"

Sasuke set down the photos he had been scrutinizing.

"What, dobe?

"Let's go out tonight! The Red Dragon is having a guest DJ who is supposed to be really good."

Sasuke was about to decline but the posted calendar next to the photo of his family his mother put up at his desk made him reconsider.

He hadn't seen Sakura since their meeting at Kurenai's a week ago. If anything, Sasuke was a man of his word.

"I'll meet you over there," Sasuke said, picking up his cell phone. "I've got to do something after work."

Naruto shrugged. "Cool, man. I'll see if anyone else wants to come."

* * *

Sakura expected Sasuke to use his police force connections (aka Tenten and Hyuuga Neji) to meet her at home after work but she couldn't stop staring at him leaning against his black sports car in front of the hospital, like the actors did before whisking away the female lead on some crazy shopping spree that ends with a night in a ritzy club.

"Sasuke," Ino said in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

Instead of answering her question, he straightened up.

"Get in." He unlocked the car.

When neither woman made a move, he sighed.

"_Both_ of you. We're on a schedule here so hurry up."

Sasuke had never seen anyone move so fast in his life.

* * *

Sakura bit her lip as she watched Sasuke go through her entire wardrobe.

"Do you have anything that _isn__'__t_ functional?" He asked in exasperation.

"I'm a doctor," Sakura reminded him patiently. "I own two dresses, both of which you have rejected."

Sasuke went through her closet one more time.

"You are the worst girl ever," he informed her with a bit of reproach. "I can't believe I have to resort to this. I _hate_ shopping."

He stormed out of her room. "Put your shoes on," Sasuke barked. "We have forty-five minutes until our next appointment."

* * *

She wandered through the small boutique, gently touching the racks of chiffon and satin.

"Pick a color."

Sakura blinked. "Uh… green."

Sasuke nodded in approval. He turned around and pulled something off a hanger.

"Go," he grunted, pushing Sakura into the dressing room.

Now that she had the dress in her hands, Sakura couldn't believe Sasuke had such good taste. The emerald cocktail dress had a full pick up skirt, a v-neckline, and a daring drop waist back. Fine gold chains held the dress up over her shoulders, connecting to the waistline, and a single strand crossed her bare back over her shoulder blades.

"Sasuke, I don't know if a backless dress is really appropriate."

"Just put it on, Sakura."

Biting her lip, Sakura shed her clothes and slipped into the dress. To her surprise, it fit perfectly. She pulled back the curtain.

Sasuke appraised her head to toe. "It'll do," he announced. "Put these shoes on and let's go."

In his hand was a pair of gold heels with crisscrossing straps and delicate crystal work. Sakura wasn't surprised when they fit her as well.

"Wait, I need to pay."

"I already did," Sasuke cut in. "Move your ass, Sakura. My cousin is not a patient woman and she's our next stop."

* * *

Uchiha Miko checked the clock one more time before running her fingers through her hair in agitation. When Sasuke called her earlier that afternoon and demanded she make space in her busy schedule for a quick make-up and style, Miko almost wished she said no.

As a famous make-up artist and stylist, Miko's skills were in high demand among an exclusive clientele. Few could afford her rates—a testament to her skill and reputation. Tonight was a favor to her favorite cousin.

The doorbell rang and she could hear a male and female voice arguing with each other. Miko couldn't lie—she was curious about this woman Sasuke wanted her to work on.

"Get _in,_ Sakura. Remember the rules?"

"You and your rules can go fuck yourselves," the stranger tossed back.

Sasuke's onyx eyes narrowed before he pushed her inside. "Miko-nee, this is Haruno Sakura. Sakura, my cousin, Uchiha Miko."

The woman glared at him one last time before giving Miko a bright smile. "Good evening! I'm sorry to interrupt your free time."

She liked her already.

"It's not a problem," Miko reassured her. "Take a seat, Sakura-san. We've got thirty minutes."

When Miko was done with her, Sakura could hardly believe the person in the mirror was her.

Her long pastel locks were curled into loose ringlets, a section pinned away from her face in a spiraling rose. Dark eyeliner brought out the dark green of her eyes and the rose gold eyeshadow complimented her emerald dress. A light smattering of bronzer highlighted her high cheekbones.

"Just in time," Miko muttered as she looked at the clock. "Sasuke, I hope you're dressed already."

That was when Sakura realized that Sasuke had disappeared while Miko did her hair and makeup.

Grumbling, the Uchiha stepped out of the hallway, buttoning his shirt. Sakura's mouth went dry when she caught sight of the corded muscles underneath the thin chambray. He had changed from his casual jeans to a pair of dress slacks. The chambray shirt was carelessly unbuttoned at the neck and Sasuke didn't bother to tuck in his shirttails.

Miko raised an eyebrow. "So you do have a fashion sense after all," the woman remarked.

"I picked out her dress, you know," Sasuke pointed out. "And you know how much I despise going to the mall after the torture my mother put me through as a child. Can we go?"

"Not yet," Miko said with an amused smile. "Stand next to each other."

Unsure of what was going on, Sakura shuffled next to Sasuke. Miko held up her phone.

"Smile!"

The two blinked in surprise.

"What the hell?"

"Itachi will never believe this," Miko said, pushing a couple buttons on her phone before tucking it away into her pocket. "Now, it's eight o'clock and you guys need to get going. Bye bye! Sasuke, be a gentleman, will you?"

Sasuke scowled but he offered his arm to Sakura.

* * *

The two bypassed the bouncer with a casual nod from Sasuke. Sakura took one look at the club and sighed. She _knew_ it would be like the dramas! Sasuke picked her up from work unexpectedly, they went shopping, she had a professional makeup artist work her magic, and now they were in a ritzy club.

"Sakura," Sasuke murmured in her ear. "Your instruction starts tonight."

She paused. "Okay."

He studied her for a moment.

"Here's the first rule," Sasuke continued in a soft voice.

Sakura tried to ignore the rapid beating of her heart as his low voice echoed through her.

_It's just nerves!_

"Have fun," he finished, gently pushing her to the dance floor. "Whatever you do tonight, let loose and enjoy yourself. You are not obligated to do anything you don't want to so relax."

Sakura looked skeptical.

"That's how to be a heartbreaker? You just need to have fun? Then what was the point of buying this fancy dress and getting my makeup done?"

Sasuke smirked. "How do you feel right now? Confident, I bet. You didn't think anyone in this world would find you attractive but put on the right clothes and do your makeup a certain way and suddenly, every one wants to know your name and phone number."

The shock on her face was enough.

"How did you-?"

"Go have fun," Sasuke repeated before Sakura could start on another of her rants. "You look too beautiful to waste the evening arguing with me about semantics."

She opened her mouth to protest but Sasuke's thinly veiled compliment left her too stunned to react. Reaching out, she wrapped her arms around him in a tight, but brief, hug.

"Thank you," Sakura smiled at him before turning on heel and weaving her way through the dance floor.

Sasuke watched her for a moment before his vibrating cell phone pulled his attention.

"What, dobe?"

"_Where are you? Shikamaru is buying first round!"_

He could see a young man stop Sakura in the middle of the floor. She smiled before allowing him to lead her into a dance.

"By the dance floor," Sasuke replied. "I'm trying to get to the bar."

"_Well hurry up! I'm trying to convince Idate to hit on this really hot girl in a green dress!"_

One look around the club told Sasuke that Sakura was the _only_ girl in a green dress. His irritation returned unexpectedly.

"I don't care what Morino does," Sasuke said in a bored voice. "Tell Shikamaru to get me Jack and Coke."

"_Mkay. Hey, I see you!__"_

Sasuke hung up his phone and shoved it into his pocket. Checking up on Sakura one more time, he saw she was completely immersed in the hypnotic beat. He turned away quickly.

Perhaps he would benefit from remembering the rules, Sasuke mused. At the very least, he could quell his irritation with the evening's events with an amusing, but stupid, girl.

He glanced back at Sakura dancing sinfully to the song blasting through the speakers.


	4. trying

how to be a heartbreaker

Callista Miralni

Disclaimer: nothing. _pretty little stutterbug_ comes from **a warrior queen/sasukesass**

* * *

four: trying

Hinata gaped at her from the stairs.

"How the hell do you do that?" The normally soft-spoken woman exclaimed.

Sakura tiled her head in bewilderment.

"Do what?"

"That!" Hinata pointed at her. "You were completely _drunk_ off your ass last night when you came home and now it's eight am and you're sitting there, drinking tea, like any other day!"

Sakura shrugged. "I have a good metabolism."

Hinata snorted as she poured herself a cup.

"What a load of horse shit."

* * *

"_Sasuke!" Sakura threw her arms around his neck. "Come dance with me!"_

_Gently peeling her arms off of him, Sasuke sat her down in their booth and pushed a glass of water towards her._

"_Drink," he said instead. "You're dehydrated. God, Sakura, you're a doctor. You should pay attention to these things."_

_Sakura drank the cup without complaint._

"_Haruno-sensei?!" Naruto peered at her. "That is you!"_

_Sakura blinked._

"_Who are you?"_

* * *

They met at Kurenai's.

"What's the first rule?" Sasuke fired at her after they had received their drinks—a matcha green tea and a caramel macchiato.

"Have fun," Sakura replied promptly. "Though I'm not quite sure how that's a rule."

Sasuke sighed. "What did you drink last night, Sakura?"

"I dunno," the woman shrugged. "A bit of everything, I guess. Except gin. God, that stuff is disgusting."

He smirked. When their little experiment was over, Sasuke considered keeping Sakura around. She was the only person who could keep up with him, aside from Itachi.

"And how much did you spend last night?"

He let the words sink in and his smirk grew when she let out a soft gasp.

"… nothing."

"And who did you talk to last night?"

Sakura had to think about that one. There was the bartender, Sasuke (of course), the table of Sasuke's friends, the people she danced with (both male and female), and the people sitting at the table on their left. She recited the list to him, wondering what point Sasuke was trying to make.

"And do you know any of their names?" The man prompted her.

Sakura reddened. "Not in the slightest," she admitted.

Sasuke took a long sip of his tea.

"Exactly. And tonight, we're going to put a spin on things."

* * *

"You're going out again?"

Ino leaned against her doorway.

"Yeah," Sakura sighed as she pulled on the oversized shirt Sasuke instructed her to wear. "Want to come?"

Her best friend shrugged. "Sure, why not? When are you leaving?"

"At seven."

* * *

When Sasuke pulled up to the door, he wasn't surprised to see Ino following closely behind.

"I hope it's okay if she comes along," Sakura gave him an apologetic smile.

He shrugged. "Saves me the trouble of asking some other girl to be an example to you."

The two women exchanged bright smiles before slipping inside.

"This is what you're going to do," Sasuke said in a low voice as he guided them through the dancing crowd at the Red Dragon. "Have fun. Dance with everyone. Drink as much as you want. But when someone asks you to hang out with them at their table, walk away. When someone asks for your name and number, never give it. When you get bored, move onto someone new."

Ino glanced at him in surprise. "I thought the entire point of this was to teach Sakura how to flirt."

"Men love nothing more than a challenge and a tease," Sasuke ignored her comment. "So it would be in your best interests to do exactly what I say."

Sakura shrugged her shoulders. "Sounds easy enough. Have fun but be the first to run."

"I don't know…" Ino frowned. "It doesn't sound like it would work."

"Then let's make a game of it," Sasuke's dark eyes danced with amusement. "Yamanaka, you do what you always do to catch people's attention. Sakura, you do what I tell you. Whoever talks to the most people tonight wins."

The two best friends exchanged long glances before Ino grinned.

"You're on."

* * *

Ino decided the I'm-all-alone-so-buy-me-a-drink would be her first tactic of the night. Meanwhile, Sakura did what she did best—avoid every stare and head to the dance floor without a care in the world.

An hour later, Ino was chatting up two men and Sakura had danced with five. The two with Ino were determined to find out every last detail about the blonde's life whereas Sakura flitted away every time the conversation ventured beyond "hey, you're a great dancer!"

It was easier than Sakura thought to walk away. At the Red Dragon, no one knew who Haruno Sakura was—the genius pathology resident under Senjuu Tsunade. Here she was simply Sakura, the mysteriously energetic dancer with an alcohol tolerance that put most men to shame.

Having no expectations was a relief.

"Ino!" Sakura called to her best friend from the middle of the floor. "Dance with me, you bitch!"

Her best friend smiled coyly to the gentlemen on either side of her before sliding off the barstool and pushing her way through the dance floor. Soon after they started dancing with each other, the men at the bar joined them, separating her from Ino.

Sakura laughed before twirling away into someone else's arms.

"Having fun?" A low voice said in her ear.

She recognized that voice—there was only one person who could send shivers up her spine from the cadence of his speech.

"Only if you dance with me," Sakura threw back with a mischievous smile before winding Sasuke's arms around her waist and leading him into a sultry sway.

She could feel his lips curve into a knowing smirk against her temple and at once, Sakura realized dancing with Uchiha Sasuke had repercussions she wasn't ready to deal with.

"You win," his lips shaped the words on her skin.


	5. open door

how to be a heartbreaker

Callista Miralni

disclaimer: nothing. _pretty little stutterbug_ comes from **a warrior queen/sasukesass**

* * *

five: open door

"How's life?" Sakura asked before blowing on her Darjeeling tea.

Sasuke leaned back in his chair. "Why the sudden interest?" He said with a hint of amusement.

"Well," Sakura said. "I realized the other day when I was with a patient that I don't know much about you. All I know is that you work with Tenten as a criminal investigator, your family owns the Corps, you're fucking loaded with cash, and you like to visit the Red Dragon. Do you even have a girlfriend or something?"

He paused in taking another sip of his tea. "That's really all there is to know about me," Sasuke said quietly.

Sakura frowned but silently watched him gaze out the window at the passerby. She wondered if he was waiting for someone to round the corner and enter the cafe but that was impossible. Why would Uchiha Sasuke wait for anyone?

_He waits for you,_ her traitorous mind reminded her.

Sakura hardly counted herself.

* * *

They went to the mall.

Seated on the edge of one of the giant planters, Sakura happily scooped up another bite of her frozen custard. Sasuke watched her with something akin to amusement.

"We're going to be doing something different today."

"Like what?" Sakura licked her spoon.

"People watching," Sasuke said as he pulled her to her feet and steered them towards a now unoccupied bench. "I'll show you how to pick out one of the four. Next week when you're off, we're going to put your skills to the test."

Sakura tossed her empty cup into the trash.

"Then let's begin."

* * *

First, the intellectual.

"He's the easy one to spot," Sasuke said. "Look over there by Forever 21."

Sakura followed his gaze to the man hanging outside of the mentioned store. He wore a plaid shirt and tight jeans framing lean legs. A brown canvas messenger bag was slung across his chest and the thick rimmed frames were perched on his nose.

"You'll find him in coffee shops and small bookstores," Sasuke murmured into her ear. "Pop culture conventions, and music shops. He's always reading the news or a book and listening to indie records while drinking cappuccinos."

"He sounds perfect," Sakura muttered back.

He let out a short laugh. "That's what you think."

* * *

Then—the winner.

"In high school, we called them the jocks," Sasuke said with a bit of distaste. "They lift the heaviest weights, drink more than their weight in beer, and dominate every aspect of their life."

"Sounds like a real winner," Sakura commented dryly.

He gave her a crooked smile. "Don't be too hasty in your judgement. The winner is more than just a dumb jock. He's got ambition and the confidence to carry out his plans to fruition."

The pair watched the muscular man entering the Apple store with his arm protectively wrapped around a slim woman for a moment longer.

"He looks like a troll," Sakura murmured.

* * *

Third, the bad boy.

"Every woman's cliche dream," Sasuke told her. "Find the man your mother would throw out of her house and you've got yourself a bad boy."

Sakura eyed the young man with the elaborate sleeve walking towards the food court escalators.

"He does it all," the man at her side murmured. "Gets himself into trouble in more ways than conventional. The quintessential heartbreaker and jerk. He's the man every guy wants to be though few will own up to it. What draws women to him is the belief that she can—and will—change him for the better but that's the furthest thing from the truth."

"What do you mean?" Sakura asked sharply.

"No one changes for a single person," Sasuke shrugged. "People change because they want to, because someone else has inspired them to. The bad boy will drop his delinquent facade because the woman he's with inspires him to aim higher."

The sleeved man they were watching suddenly stopped inches shy from the escalator.

"Ayumi—" he reached out for a passing woman.

She paused long enough to give him a hard slap to face.

* * *

Fourth, the nice guy.

"Nice guys finish last is the most erroneous misconception women have," Sasuke drawled as he watched their latest target with obvious amusement. "He's the guy women instantaneously think of bringing home to meet their parents, the one who shows up to the door with a bouquet of flowers in hand."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing," he leaned back. "But the nice guy usually can't stand up for himself so a woman with any amount of personality and spitfire will end up dominating their relationship with her own whims. In a fight, he's the very definition of passive aggressive."

Sakura made a face as she watched the nice guy flitter back and forth between two nearly identical blouses at Banana Republic.

"For god's sake, just pick a shirt already!" Sakura threw her hands up in exasperation.

* * *

They sat quietly on the bench sipping smoothies.

"You always wear that necklace."

Sakura looked up in surprise.

"What necklace?"

Sasuke gave her a condescending look and immediately, her hand flew to her collarbone. Her fingertips traced the open heart at her throat and she smiled.

"My mom gave this to me when I turned eighteen," Sakura answered cheerfully. "I've worn it so much I never really think about it."

Sasuke looked away. "You should get it cleaned. The diamonds will sparkle brighter."

The off-hand comment made her smile more.

"Sure."

* * *

I am SO sorry... July is always a hectic month for me so I apologize for the delayed updates. I'm still going to write _how to be a heartbreaker_ through August and September... thank you of your patience!

Ja ne~  
Callista Miralni


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